*The Names in this post have been changed.
I have a lot of guy trouble. It's not that I've had a lot of boyfriends, I haven't. I've had two real "Boyfriends" (I don't really like label though.) and have never really been in love. I thought I was during, but I think I've learned enough about what it should feel like to know that I haven't felt it.
Now, I don't care what you guys think of me( okay, maybe a little, but I'm human) so I'll just say it.
I honestly think that If things were normal in my life, I wouldn't have trouble getting guys. I'd be athletic, I'd have more friends, I'd be in school. OH& I wouldn't be so emotionally damaged.
Part of my problem is, I fall hard& fast. Lately I've been kinda of testing/training myself. I find that after 5ish months of crushing on someone, then I can think logically about the situation... let me explain.
My first boyfriend, Monster, and I dated for roughly 3 months. It was a bad break-up, and I was heart-broken for the next 2 months mostly. 2+3=5? My next boyfriend, Collegiate, and I dated for also about 3 months.. 2 months later I was okay..
I met one of my best friends, The Poet, this summer. It was.. unconventional. I was moving to tennessee& at the time I was in a pretty dark place(One you'll find I can go to often). I knew I wouldn't have a way to make friend when I got here because I wouldn't be in school or have a job so I made an online account on something that's kind of like myspace. Yes, it was stupid. But I also didn't really take it seriously. It was a place I could vent about my problems and I could talk to people without making the effort to really care. I might go deeper into how we met some other time, but basically The Poet made an account because some of his friends did. We started talking, things progressed, blahblahblah. From the very beginning we were very honest with each other. It was strange but we were so comfortable talking to each other. Anyway, he helped me and vice versa(..at least I hope I help him). One thing he was struggling with was love. It was a mess, his love life! One thing was for sure, I didn't want in. I knew I couldn't get in to it so I didn't admit it for a long time. Eventually he called my bluff, I spilled my guts, he kindly dismissed it, and that was that. We moved on. (Though I must admit things aren't exactly the same.) I'm slowly starting to realize that it was for the best. Even though he thought it was just a crush, when trust me, not the case, I know now that even if he wanted to be with me, I would want to also, but I couldn't. He could never love me as much as he loved... well that's a different story. So anyway, It's been about 5 months and now I'mm starting to come to terms with it.
My feelings get jumbled all the time! I like the song Who Owns My Heart- by Miley Cyrus (Don't Judge.) because I never know if my feelings are true. I don't know if I know what true feelings are.
I met a guy, Scene, in an acting class this weekend, and he's not really my type. But I didn't know what I thought. Why? He looks great in a V-neck. Ugh! Curse those damn Tshirts! I swear it throws my whole perception off. Anyway, I think we'll be just friends, if that. (One last thing to add.. He winked at me. Who winks anymore?! I don't know what that means! Ugh. and guys say we are hard to figure out? uhmmm.)
I think I'm going to wait at least 4 months before really committing to a guy again. Even though that means I'd actually have to meet a guy first. And he would have to fit my standards which are high.
I've considered lowering them, but what kind of person would that make me? ugh.
Forever alone I tell you!
Yikes. I need sleep.
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment