I haven't poste in a long time.
I can put everything in to words.
From now on I think I'll just do short little posts..
maybe, Idk.
This last month or so has been really hard.
Treatment has been really hard.
Daddy keeps going out of town.
I keep getting really sick.
OTH keeps getting closer to the end.
Everyone is moving on without me.
I'm not sure what to do.
The Deepest and Darkest
“The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean” -Robert Lewis Stevenson
The Case of the Missing Vampire Slayer
Buffy's missing.
Missing. as in someone took her, police are searching, missing.
The Poet just texted me and told me.
I'm trying to be supportive, but I don't know what he wants to hear.
&How are you supposed to support someone when you can't even keep your own head above water?
I'm worried. Poet says the police are looking for her.
At the same time, it crosses my mind that it could be a joke. I mean, wouldn't it be on the news and stuff?
Wouldn't it be a big deal to all of the city?
I don't know what to think.
And now I'm mad at how heartless that makes me sound.
Missing. as in someone took her, police are searching, missing.
The Poet just texted me and told me.
I'm trying to be supportive, but I don't know what he wants to hear.
&How are you supposed to support someone when you can't even keep your own head above water?
I'm worried. Poet says the police are looking for her.
At the same time, it crosses my mind that it could be a joke. I mean, wouldn't it be on the news and stuff?
Wouldn't it be a big deal to all of the city?
I don't know what to think.
And now I'm mad at how heartless that makes me sound.
"It's Just An Audition, Guys!"
So yesterday I got a call(It woke me up by the way! But that's okay<3) from a casting director(Now you know why). I took her class about a week ago and now she's auditioning teens for a commercial!?
I don't know the details, honestly she was pretty vague, but I know she does a lot of Military PSAs, so maybe I'll get one of those? SO cool.
Now I'm in the process of figuring out what to use for my headshot and typing up a resume. Considering I've never auditioned before and I wasn't expecting this, I'm pretty nervous.
I just want them to like me, to think that even if I'm not right for this part, "That girl is nice, we should use her some other time." (There I go seeking approval from others again. Oh Well!)
So today Daddy got home from a business trip, came in my room and asked for my autograph...
Yes, I see how that could be flattering, but mostly it just put the pressure on. Besides, I reeeally don't want my parents to treat me like someone famous. That would be weird. I mean, Mommy came in afterwards and talked about how she just finished reading a book that Steven Tyler wrote and signing stuff for 20 people can take 10 minutes, so I should probably learn to speed up my signature..
Uhmmm, hold on, since when do I have fans?
Oh right. I don't.
It's just an audition, guys!
Calm down!!!
Yes I agree that it is exciting. My first on-camera audition? Oh yeah! But still..
Now I'm a little nervous if my career actually does take off.. My parents will always be my fans, I know that. I just don't want them to be 'fangirls' about it.
Anyways, my mentality going in to this audition in two days is:
Be Bright. Be Brave. Be Brief. Be Gone.
Fingers crossed.
I don't know the details, honestly she was pretty vague, but I know she does a lot of Military PSAs, so maybe I'll get one of those? SO cool.
Now I'm in the process of figuring out what to use for my headshot and typing up a resume. Considering I've never auditioned before and I wasn't expecting this, I'm pretty nervous.
I just want them to like me, to think that even if I'm not right for this part, "That girl is nice, we should use her some other time." (There I go seeking approval from others again. Oh Well!)
So today Daddy got home from a business trip, came in my room and asked for my autograph...
Yes, I see how that could be flattering, but mostly it just put the pressure on. Besides, I reeeally don't want my parents to treat me like someone famous. That would be weird. I mean, Mommy came in afterwards and talked about how she just finished reading a book that Steven Tyler wrote and signing stuff for 20 people can take 10 minutes, so I should probably learn to speed up my signature..
Uhmmm, hold on, since when do I have fans?
Oh right. I don't.
It's just an audition, guys!
Calm down!!!
Yes I agree that it is exciting. My first on-camera audition? Oh yeah! But still..
Now I'm a little nervous if my career actually does take off.. My parents will always be my fans, I know that. I just don't want them to be 'fangirls' about it.
Anyways, my mentality going in to this audition in two days is:
Be Bright. Be Brave. Be Brief. Be Gone.
Fingers crossed.
The "Big" Questions
Lately I've been in a funk of sorts. But when I really think about it, I've been in it for a long time, but I'm an actor so I pretend. I even fool myself sometimes. The reality is, I'm depressed. I don't know how to fix it. &I don;t know the answers to any of these questions-
Who am I?
Why was I put on the planet?
Who are my friends?
Do I have any friends?
Where is home?
Am I just damaged goods?
Have I made bad decisions that I can never come back from?
Am I talented at anything?
Am I alone in everything?
Will I ever find true love?
If I find love, will I know it?
Will I always feel this empty?
Will I ever feel like I am making progress?
Does anyone truly understand me?
Am I ever going to feel anything but numb?
Am I ever going to feel anything but numb?
Is my life just a lie?
The list goes on. I need to find purpose. I have no friends. I'm in a foreign place. I don't have school or a job to bury myself in. My family is too dysfunctional. There is not one thing in my life that has ever been consistent. Not ONE thing! Not something we do every year on Christmas, or a friend I've have for over 4 years, or a place I've lived all my life. Is that really too much to ask?
Somebody tell me, please.
XOXO
XOXO
Don't get on this girl's bad side, Honey
ERRRG. Im fairly certain that nothing drives me more insane than disrespectful &/or annoying guys. It doesn't matter their age, because they never grow out of some things. And the cockiness can come at any age!
Here's the story:
Tonight after acting class, Mommy&Daddy picked me up and we went to eat at Chili's.
While Daddy was parking the car, Mommy was ordering drinks for the two of them. (Now, my mom had a freak accident a while back that messed with her nose. For those of you that don't know, your nose "tastes" more than your mouth does. So now my mom can barely taste anything.) So She order two House Margaritas and our waiter says something like, "Are you sure you don't want the Presidenta?" No, she said. But it didn't stop there! He kept going on and on saying stuff like, "Well you get your own little shaker", "I'm a bartender and you'll have less of a headache if you drink the good stuff." and "It's the premium vodka". After a while Mommy and I looked at each other then she said, "Fine, two. One with salt, One without." Mommy doesn't like salt on her Margaritas. She also told me that she's been drinking long enough that it doesn't really matter if it's cheap. It's all the same to her, ESPECIALLY since she can't taste it. Also, my mom's a lightweight, so more condensed alcohol does no one any good.
So at that point we were pretty frustrated. Daddy gets to the table and Waiter Dude brings their drinks out& says, "Who had the salt?" Daddy says, "Me" and Waiter Dude goes, "That's the only way to drink it!" As he hands one without salt to Mommy. Uhmm... ok? Cause you know, we all asked for your opinion.
After that he totally rushed us to get him the order, then he brought our appetizer out and said, "That's pretty greasy, I'll get more napkins." .. Hm. That's a really great way to promote your food. Cause I really wanted someone to remind me just how much fat I'm about to consume. Ok, whatever.
So about half way through the meal he stops by the table and says, "Honey, I'm gonna get you another drink." Woah, NO! He was not gay, nor a middle aged southern women. Not okay! It took me by total surprise. All I could do was fake smile.
Looking back on it I should've said:
"Excuse me? Honey?!? That was super inappropriate. First of all, I don't know you. Second of all, I'm at LEAST 10 years younger than you. Third, I'm a minor and I'm trying to have a nice meal with my PARENTS! So don't call me honey, especially after insulting the woman who gave me life and making her buy an even more expensive drink to make you shut the fuck up about it. Which, by the way, wasn't even worth the money as you can clearly see. I'm tempted to rip off your penis right now, so i suggest that scurry on back to the kitchen, get us to-go boxes, and bring us the check with a discount. Otherwise I might need to bring your supervisor in to this and I don't think that they would appreciate you hitting on a minor at work and treating your customers with such poor service. Go. Now. Walk away, Dude."
BUT, I didn't say that. I guess cause I was in shock, but also because I'm too much of a goody-good. I think before I speak(most of the time. unless I'm trying to be cool). And I think about maybe this person is going through a lot, or didn't mean to say that. allll that stuff. But in reality, I'm pretty pissed about the entire situation.
Anyways, That was my Chili's encounter. Other parts of my day included Acting class, Andrea Marchant's Album on repeat(Mostly Seattle), My twitter friends birthday(lots of tweets from celebs for her today!) and the new episode of The Vampire Diaries.
Acting was lots of fun today. We did comedy monologues. I really like the younger class and our sub this week was nice(: At the end we got to play "Honey I love you", and for once, I smiled! I'm normally really good at that game. I must have been having fun.
TVD was AMAZING as always. I definitely cried. Paul Wesley is so amazing. He can be ripping someone to shreds and yet I still feel sorry for him. I need to get a role on that show. It is seriously my mission in life.
Well, I think that's it for now. I'm gonna watch some Felicity then head off to bed.
XOXO
Here's the story:
Tonight after acting class, Mommy&Daddy picked me up and we went to eat at Chili's.
While Daddy was parking the car, Mommy was ordering drinks for the two of them. (Now, my mom had a freak accident a while back that messed with her nose. For those of you that don't know, your nose "tastes" more than your mouth does. So now my mom can barely taste anything.) So She order two House Margaritas and our waiter says something like, "Are you sure you don't want the Presidenta?" No, she said. But it didn't stop there! He kept going on and on saying stuff like, "Well you get your own little shaker", "I'm a bartender and you'll have less of a headache if you drink the good stuff." and "It's the premium vodka". After a while Mommy and I looked at each other then she said, "Fine, two. One with salt, One without." Mommy doesn't like salt on her Margaritas. She also told me that she's been drinking long enough that it doesn't really matter if it's cheap. It's all the same to her, ESPECIALLY since she can't taste it. Also, my mom's a lightweight, so more condensed alcohol does no one any good.
So at that point we were pretty frustrated. Daddy gets to the table and Waiter Dude brings their drinks out& says, "Who had the salt?" Daddy says, "Me" and Waiter Dude goes, "That's the only way to drink it!" As he hands one without salt to Mommy. Uhmm... ok? Cause you know, we all asked for your opinion.
After that he totally rushed us to get him the order, then he brought our appetizer out and said, "That's pretty greasy, I'll get more napkins." .. Hm. That's a really great way to promote your food. Cause I really wanted someone to remind me just how much fat I'm about to consume. Ok, whatever.
So about half way through the meal he stops by the table and says, "Honey, I'm gonna get you another drink." Woah, NO! He was not gay, nor a middle aged southern women. Not okay! It took me by total surprise. All I could do was fake smile.
Looking back on it I should've said:
"Excuse me? Honey?!? That was super inappropriate. First of all, I don't know you. Second of all, I'm at LEAST 10 years younger than you. Third, I'm a minor and I'm trying to have a nice meal with my PARENTS! So don't call me honey, especially after insulting the woman who gave me life and making her buy an even more expensive drink to make you shut the fuck up about it. Which, by the way, wasn't even worth the money as you can clearly see. I'm tempted to rip off your penis right now, so i suggest that scurry on back to the kitchen, get us to-go boxes, and bring us the check with a discount. Otherwise I might need to bring your supervisor in to this and I don't think that they would appreciate you hitting on a minor at work and treating your customers with such poor service. Go. Now. Walk away, Dude."
BUT, I didn't say that. I guess cause I was in shock, but also because I'm too much of a goody-good. I think before I speak(most of the time. unless I'm trying to be cool). And I think about maybe this person is going through a lot, or didn't mean to say that. allll that stuff. But in reality, I'm pretty pissed about the entire situation.
Anyways, That was my Chili's encounter. Other parts of my day included Acting class, Andrea Marchant's Album on repeat(Mostly Seattle), My twitter friends birthday(lots of tweets from celebs for her today!) and the new episode of The Vampire Diaries.
Acting was lots of fun today. We did comedy monologues. I really like the younger class and our sub this week was nice(: At the end we got to play "Honey I love you", and for once, I smiled! I'm normally really good at that game. I must have been having fun.
TVD was AMAZING as always. I definitely cried. Paul Wesley is so amazing. He can be ripping someone to shreds and yet I still feel sorry for him. I need to get a role on that show. It is seriously my mission in life.
Well, I think that's it for now. I'm gonna watch some Felicity then head off to bed.
XOXO
Dumplins Vs. Dumplings
Today was pretty average. It wasn't a stay-in-bed-all-day day, which I am thankful for.
Why? Well today was a new episode of One Tree Hill! Only the best show ever!
Episode 2 of season 9 came and went at 7:00 O'clock today and it just reminds me of all the lessons I've learned throughout this show. It sucks that I didn't watch this show when it first started out, but I'm thankful I got to be part of it before the very end. (Besides, I was in like 3rd grade when it started. not age appropriate!)
Anyways I can never fully explain all that OTH has taught me. Because it would take too long, and also because I'm not even sure I fully understand what this show has done for me.
It's late and I have to go to bed, but I'm sure I'll write all about it sooner or later.
Other events that took place today-
Daddy brought home comfort food. YUM! **
I looked through stuff on Etsy with Mommy.
Watched episodes of Felicity.
I painted my nails Princess Pink. (very fitting if you knew me.)
Drop in the Ocean- Ron Pope & Time of our Lives- Tyrone Wells on repeat.
**Side note. He brought home Chicken & Dumplings & we debated on which dumplings we liked better from which restaurant. Personally I go with HRH Dumplins. He says Daily Dish. (No way!)
Well, I'd better get going.
XOXO
Why? Well today was a new episode of One Tree Hill! Only the best show ever!
Episode 2 of season 9 came and went at 7:00 O'clock today and it just reminds me of all the lessons I've learned throughout this show. It sucks that I didn't watch this show when it first started out, but I'm thankful I got to be part of it before the very end. (Besides, I was in like 3rd grade when it started. not age appropriate!)
Anyways I can never fully explain all that OTH has taught me. Because it would take too long, and also because I'm not even sure I fully understand what this show has done for me.
It's late and I have to go to bed, but I'm sure I'll write all about it sooner or later.
Other events that took place today-
Daddy brought home comfort food. YUM! **
I looked through stuff on Etsy with Mommy.
Watched episodes of Felicity.
I painted my nails Princess Pink. (very fitting if you knew me.)
Drop in the Ocean- Ron Pope & Time of our Lives- Tyrone Wells on repeat.
**Side note. He brought home Chicken & Dumplings & we debated on which dumplings we liked better from which restaurant. Personally I go with HRH Dumplins. He says Daily Dish. (No way!)
Well, I'd better get going.
XOXO
Dr. Seuss-ing my Diary
Alright, so in my last post I started using aliases. This seems like an all around good idea to me for many reasons. In this post I'll explain the name I gave the person and maybe a little about them. As I introduce new people, I'll also post about them.
**NOTE: I might make this a separate page. Like an index of sorts.
Monster- No, he is not mean like a monster. Monster was my first boyfriend and during lunch at school he would conveniently be out of money, so I'd buy him a few monster cookies. (you know the one's with m&m's and all that great stuff in 'em?) Those were his favorite. Hence- Monster. We are actually pretty good friends now I'm proud to say.
Collegiate- This guy was born for college! He's the most studious person I know. He's going to be a doctor, probably graduate early, and is likely to go to an ivy league school. He works crazy hard! He is definitely the Most-Likely-to-Succeed type. He's super nice and a gentleman. We dated and now we're good friends.
Scene- I just met this guy, so I'm not even sure I'll post about him much. Also, it's not that he's a "scene kid" (though he does have bleached hair and a few piercings) but he's an actor. As in- "End Scene!" There's not much of a backstory except that he seems nice. I'll get back to you on this one.
The Poet- This is my best friend. Well, one of them. The story here is so long that I'm not even sure I know it all. He has a bunch of other, real nicknames, but for anonymity's sake- this is it. Why? He seriously talks like a poet! We get in to these deep conversations all the time, mostly about my problems, then he sends me a four page long text that sounds like it came from Deepak Chopra. (There is also potential for me to refer to him as Bear, but we'll see.)
People not yet mentioned-
Princess- My bestiest friend! We stick together even though we're 500 miles apart and our love of all things Disney and Princess brings us together on a daily basis. More to come, because trust me- I'll post about her A LOT.
Buffy- We're in the process of becoming good friends, even though we don't see eye to eye sometimes. She can kick ass and will if she wants to, so don't tempt her. She has a love for all things creepy and is basically The Poet's sister.
Mommy/Daddy- Need not explain
Napoleon- The name we should've given my dog. He's tiny, but doesn't know it.
Sister #1- She's the oldest, and thinks she's the wisest sometimes. More to come later..
Sister #2- She's in the middle, and she rocks, but sometimes she talks too much for her own good. More to come later...
XOXO
**NOTE: I might make this a separate page. Like an index of sorts.
Monster- No, he is not mean like a monster. Monster was my first boyfriend and during lunch at school he would conveniently be out of money, so I'd buy him a few monster cookies. (you know the one's with m&m's and all that great stuff in 'em?) Those were his favorite. Hence- Monster. We are actually pretty good friends now I'm proud to say.
Collegiate- This guy was born for college! He's the most studious person I know. He's going to be a doctor, probably graduate early, and is likely to go to an ivy league school. He works crazy hard! He is definitely the Most-Likely-to-Succeed type. He's super nice and a gentleman. We dated and now we're good friends.
Scene- I just met this guy, so I'm not even sure I'll post about him much. Also, it's not that he's a "scene kid" (though he does have bleached hair and a few piercings) but he's an actor. As in- "End Scene!" There's not much of a backstory except that he seems nice. I'll get back to you on this one.
The Poet- This is my best friend. Well, one of them. The story here is so long that I'm not even sure I know it all. He has a bunch of other, real nicknames, but for anonymity's sake- this is it. Why? He seriously talks like a poet! We get in to these deep conversations all the time, mostly about my problems, then he sends me a four page long text that sounds like it came from Deepak Chopra. (There is also potential for me to refer to him as Bear, but we'll see.)
People not yet mentioned-
Princess- My bestiest friend! We stick together even though we're 500 miles apart and our love of all things Disney and Princess brings us together on a daily basis. More to come, because trust me- I'll post about her A LOT.
Buffy- We're in the process of becoming good friends, even though we don't see eye to eye sometimes. She can kick ass and will if she wants to, so don't tempt her. She has a love for all things creepy and is basically The Poet's sister.
Mommy/Daddy- Need not explain
Napoleon- The name we should've given my dog. He's tiny, but doesn't know it.
Sister #1- She's the oldest, and thinks she's the wisest sometimes. More to come later..
Sister #2- She's in the middle, and she rocks, but sometimes she talks too much for her own good. More to come later...
XOXO
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